Praise. Praise for How We Love “How We Love has the capacity to change not only your marriage but every relationship that’s important in your life.”. How We Love has ratings and 99 reviews. In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory. How We Love. Milan and Kay Yerkovich explain why the ways you and your spouse relate to each other go back to before you even met. Drawing on the.

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Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read. Want to Read saving…. Want to Hiw Currently Reading Read. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. Identify the source of missteps in your marriage—and learn exactly what you can do about it! Tired of arguing with olve spouse over the same old issues?

Longing for a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Struggling under a load of resentment? In How We Yerkocich, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show yerkovicch you Identify the source of missteps in your marriage—and learn exactly what you can do about it!

They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. Includes a study guide for individual or group discussion. Paperbackpages. Published January 15th by WaterBrook first published October 10th To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about How We Terkovichplease sign up. Lists with This Book.

Apr 27, Trish rated it it was amazing Shelves: This was a fascinating book. I have been listening to the Wr Life Live radio show for about six months, and Milan Yerkovich is one of the co-hosts on the show. Milan and his wife Kay are both counselors and have presented this information, which is based on attachment theory, in many workshops before writing it down to share with a wider audience.

Although the subtitle references marriage, I think How We Love would be helpful for anyone, as our attachment style affects all of our relationships a This was a fascinating book. Although the subtitle references marriage, I think How We Love would be helpful yefkovich anyone, as our attachment style affects all of our relationships and learning about yerkovch can help us become more of a secure person with anyone, not just a spouse.

After describing what they call a “secure connector,” the Yerkoviches discuss five primary attachment styles: These last two are considered to be different ways people respond to growing up in a chaotic environment. It was very confusing for me at first because I saw myself in most of what was described, and identified strongly with three of the styles and yerkovuch with the other two. It’s also not uncommon for people from chaotic backgrounds to initially feel confused as they read about the different imprints.

From there, they go into some teaching on how to truly connect with your spouse using what they call the comfort circle. I didn’t spend as much time on these sections since my husband and Loe are separated, but there was a lot of good information. The book I purchased has a workbook included, and I found much of this to be very helpful as well.

There are numerous places in both the book and the workbook where the authors list characteristics of each attachment style or even statements that a person with that style would ydrkovich likely to make.

I found these lists extremely useful in figuring out what fit me the most.

I would highly recommend How We Love whether you are in a relationship or not – I found it to be very insightful and helped me look at a lot of things in my past that I didn’t realize were affecting me still in my life.


Feb 22, John Majors rated it it was amazing Shelves: Every married couple should read this book. yermovich

How We Love, Expanded Edition

It is incredibly important. They unpack four main love styles that couples tend to fall into, all based on answering the question “How were you comforted as a child? There’s also an accompanying workbook that you should get and work through with your spouse as well.

This is a must read. Some of us try to fix our marriages without ever taking a look at how they work. When a lovs was describing its premise to me a few weeks ago I was intrigued. How do I love? I’m not sure, if pressed, I could come up with an answer that made sense to anyone including me! And I actually don’t know how I lo “When something is broken you cannot repair it unless you understand how it works And I actually don’t know how I love. I was also hearing about this book at the same time my first true love, and ex-boyfriend I thought I would be married to, resurfaced and he and I, with my husband chaperoning of course, had to navigate the waters of closure on a relationship dead in the water many years ago but the wreckage still floated in the sea.

I know that perhaps not only how I love is formed by what I learned about it in my growing up years but perhaps its extended to this relationship yerkogich meant so much to me in very formative years as well. I took the little yerkovicb style” quiz from the author’s website. Click here if you are curious lovve yourself. And so with that little bit of possible yerlovich about me I dove into the book.

Love Style Quiz – How We Love

By page 11 I was emailing a friend and recommending it and making mental notes in my head, amazed that some of the questions they ask if I ask myself were spot on! They recommend doing the workbook along with the book, I didn’t as I checked out the book from the library. But I have decided upon finishing the book that this reading of it was cursory at best and I ordered it, with the workbook included, through Amazon and will be going back through it giving it the time it deserves so I can learn.

Yes, it is THAT good. The Yerkovich’s make a convincing argument not that I needed convincing but certainly others might that in order to go forward in the future we must first visit, but not live, in the past. We are the sum of our history. To ignore it is to be blind to the currents that sweep us along through life. Taking their time they outline and unpack what five different love styles, or imprints, look like and how they may have formed.

The Love Style Quiz

The five styles are: Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, and Victim. I identified most closely with 2 of the styles which is one reason why I wanted to go back through and do the workbook as well. I would even live going to one of their workshops! I thought the examples and stories they gave helped flesh out the different ways in which the love styles manifest themselves. And the Yerkovich’s did a good job balancing between the male and female responses to the love styles. Traditionally we think of men as being the controller, for example, and they gave a real life example of a woman that was a controller.

For me that was refreshing to not have examples that stuck men yerjovich women in roles traditionally thought of but to show that man or woman is prone to any of the love styles. After fleshing out the love styles the Yerkovich’s then spend the remainder of the book helping the reader understand how to go about beginning to relate to others spouse, friends, etc – although they did phrase the remainder of the book in marriage terms but you can easily transfer to all relationships through something they call the “comfort circle”.

In each section they explain thoroughly what yerkpvich part of the circle is and how each love style can look for ways to relate in healthy ways through it.


I can see where the workbook will greatly enhance not just the unpacking of the different learning styles but also give insight and guidance on how to begin to be healthy and relate well.

Reading just the book will give someone a great step forward in understanding and even tiny amounts of application but the workbook is where the application really comes in, or so I am guessing. This is a relationship changing, life changing book.

For those of you who don’t like to read authors who are Christians still give this book a shot. While the Yerkovich’s are Christians they don’t preach at you, they don’t saturate the book with Christianese, they write for any kind of reader – Christian or not.

And what the Yerkovich’s include in matters of God makes so much sense and is so appropriate that I would hope even those not subscribing to religion would sense the wisdom of what they included. I will be recommending to all the people I care about – married or not because we all have to interact in relationships and this book will help you understand how you’ve been relating, why, and how to become healthy in your relating.

May 26, Anna rated it really liked it Shelves: This book addresses in-depth the five different unhealthy love styles that each person gravitates toward: The Avoider, who likes being alone, doesn’t share feelings easily, seems unruffled, and values independence; The Pleaser, who feels anxious around a sad or angry person, and ignores own feelings to focus on another’s; The Vacillator, who craves closeness and intimacy but feels angry when another doesn’t return the same level of affection, often vacillates between warmth and silence, and expe This book addresses in-depth the five different unhealthy love styles that each person gravitates toward: I say “mate” because the authors wrote this book for couples, but singles can also benefit.

I was really comforted to learn that my particular struggles have a root somewhere, that the events and home dynamics that have shaped my unhealthy “core” pattern are actually shared by many of those who have the same love style as I do and most importantly, there is hope for me! The authors also gave some terrifically helpful guidelines on how to be a better listener. I give this book four stars for editing, as it could have been more concise. May 27, Susie rated it it was amazing Shelves: I LOVE this book.

Perhaps it is because I am a vacillator and my husband is an avoider, but this has been one of the most helpful resources for our marriage–maybe THE most of all. We are still using the workbook materials for reflection and dialogue together. It has helped us understand and work on some of our repeated patterns and difficult problems. It has helped us gain greater compassion for one another.

It is helping us grow. This is not only helpful for married couples, though it is extremely helpful in this context. I have gained a lot of insight into my friends and relationships with them.

And because it addresses family of origin love styles, it is helpful for growing in those relationships, too. Jan 30, Holly rated it really liked it. I only read so far as it applied to the single. Then it got into nitty gritty marriage stuff. But the part I read was revealing. I think I can categorize myself as a vascillator, but more importantly, I’ve thought back through my life to try to understand where my reactions come from.